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Of Jocks and Nerds

Revenge of the Nerds PosterMr. Van Bouten had the most peculiar and baffling problem.  At a loss for what to do, he decides to seek professional help from Dr. Baxler who he saw on a late night infomercial.  He had to be good; he was famous after all, right?  But the help he gets is as unexpected as the problem itself.

BAXLER

Mr. Van Bouten, please have a seat, relax, and tell me what I can do for you.

VAN BOUTEN

Well Doc, this is sort of weird and embarrassing, but…

BAXLER

Don’t worry, my last client had a fetish for stuffing a tampon in his anus and another in his wife’s anus and tying the strings together during coitus.

(VAN BOUTEN looks at BAXLER suspiciously.)

Oh, but I won’t tell anyone about your problem.  Well, not anyone you know anyways…

VAN BOUTEN

Um…okay, well, you see…I can’t have sex on Mondays.  It…it just doesn’t work.

BAXLER

“It” meaning…?

VAN BOUTEN

Yeah, Little Van Bouten.

BAXLER

Ah, I know exactly what it is.  You have…

VAN BOUTEN

What?  Wait…aren’t you supposed to ask me more questions?  How can you…

BAXLER

Trust me.  I’m on TV, right?

(VAN BOUTEN freezes for a moment, then visibly relaxes, which BAXLER takes as a cue to continue.)

Well, Mr. Van Bouten, what you have is a case of Anti-Jock Syndrome.  You probably developed it in highschool.  During adolescence, while the body develops, those with evolutionarily desirable bodies, be it male or female, gain the attention of their peers.  They become popular and go to all the parties.  This makes them feel good about themselves and their confidence further enhances their desirability.  Meanwhile, you wanted to have sex with your mother.

VAN BOUTEN

What?

(BAXLER looks up and away pensively, ignoring VAN BOUTEN”s objection.)

BAXLER

Or maybe it was your sister…

VAN BOUTEN

Doc!

BAXLER

(Continuing to ignore VAN BOUTEN.)

No, I think it was your sister’s best friend’s dog.

VAN BOUTEN

(Mutters.)

Damn Freudians.

BAXLER

What?

VAN BOUTEN

Oh…nothing.

BAXLER

Anyways, the frontal lobes in adolescence are still underdeveloped.  And even when the brain is fully developed, it takes a while for the mind to develop.  In short, the Jock gets a head start, while the Nerd is a late bloomer.  I think there’s an evolutionary reason for muscles to develop before the brain…

30000BC

Courtesy of AbstruseGoose.com

VAN BOUTEN

Wait, so you’re saying I’m a Nerd?  How do you know that?  And I have a hatred of Jocks?  But what does that have to do with my problem anyways?

BAXLER

I saw you reading the degree on my wall.  Anyone who doesn’t giggle at “Magna Cum Laude” is a Nerd.  As to your problem…it’s Monday Night Football.  It’s affecting you subconsciously.

(VAN BOUTEN’s expression changes gradually from confused to satisfied, and BAXLER continues.)

Unlike the Jock who is satisfied with things as they are presented, the Nerd needs to understand things, the world around him, and especially himself at a deeper level, so he goes through an “incubation period”.  During that time, the Jock continues to learn the art of elevating one’s social status while the Nerd continues to masturbate to Magibon.

(BAXLER and VAN BOUTEN look at each other in an awkward moment of mutual understanding.)

Sorry, Freudian slip.

Anyways, the Jock is a natural, but does not understand what he is doing.  The Nerd on the other hand, needs to understand things more explicitly.  Eventually, the Nerd comes into his own and integrates back into society in his own way, the intellectual way.

The Nerd sometimes becomes a pickup artist and exacts his revenge for injustices he’s endured over his entire lifetime.  It is at this juncture that the Nerd must be careful, though.  The Nerd may think, “if I only knew this when I was in highschool”,  but let’s continue further on that path.  In 10 or 20 years from now, what would you say about “if I only knew” about the present time?  I would say that revenge is not the answer.  Yes, use the tools to fight back when being trampled, but don’t trample others back and become what you despised for so long.  You are the smart one, the wise one.  So you are equipped to understand that the Jock is as much a product of his biology and culture as you are.

You see, the penis is an instrument of love, not hatred.  I think your subconscious hatred of Jocks is affecting you during Monday Night Football.  Your body is going into fight mode instead of love mode and hence you lose your boner.

VAN BOUTEN

So what can I do about this, Doc?

Jock and Nerd

Courtesy of riancurtis

BAXLER

What I prescribe is to change your attitude toward Jocks.  It’s easy to let our highschool experiences cloud and bias our judgments, but Jocks are human too and they have fears and insecurities like all of us.  In fact, it is out of this fear and insecurity, probably in the intellectual realm, that they act the way they do.  While you were afraid of them, they were also afraid of you!

The Jock personality has good uses in our society as well.  They are naturally charismatic and fill in the gaps where the Nerd lacks.  Do you know who Noam Chomsky is?

VAN BOUTEN

Yes.

BAXTER

He’s brilliant, but have you ever heard him speak?

(VAN BOUTEN smiles and bobs his head in agreement.)

I could be all wired up on 3 shots of espresso and 4 lines of cocaine and still fall asleep during one of his lectures!

VAN BOUTEN

But not all Nerds are like that.

BAXTER

Of course.  One of my favourite Nerds is Michael Eric Dyson.  He’s very eloquent, being a preacher and all, and he can even rap on demand.  And not all Jocks are stupid either.

But you’ve hit a key point here.  Jocks and Nerds aren’t really separate people, but rather separate roles.   All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts.

Bringing out and valuing the “Nerd within” or the “Jock within” is part of this exercise.  There are parts of us that we deny because we’re afraid they are inadequate.  We tend to work on and present only our strong points.  By looking within ourselves and valuing each part of ourselves, we can fulfill our true potential.  Every time a Jock “AMOGs” a Nerd, he is killing his own potential to learn and grow and develop a side of him that he didn’t think he had.  Likewise, every time a Nerd exerts his intellectual prowess on a Jock, he is also killing the part of himself that wishes to be strong, athletic, and charismatic.

VAN BOUTEN

I think I understand what you’re saying, Doc.

BAXTER

Good, so what are you going to do now?

VAN BOUTEN

Well, I’m gonna go home, turn on the football game, and fuck my wife like a star quarterback…while I tell her the nasty things I’m gonna do to her…in Klingon.

BAXTER

Live long and prosper!

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One Response to "Of Jocks and Nerds"

  1. Johnd219 says:

    The principle isn’t to artificially turn out to be effective, aaedaaeacdde

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