The Sign: REMAIN CALM!

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign…

1. IT’S ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA TO YELL AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU TELL THEM TO REMAIN CALM!
2. Why is it “remain calm”?  That implies that they are already calm.  If they are calm during a fire, maybe it’s because their entire stash burned up and they are high as fuck.  “Did you burn the pizza again?”  “Um, no dude, I think the building’s on fire.”  “Okay, whatever.”  If that’s the case, they need to get uncalm.
3. Why is “remain calm” step 3?  Does it imply that it’s okay to run out in a frenzied craze yelling, “Run for your life, leave your children, save yourselves!!!”?
4. Call the fire department, and call 911?  It would help if you put the fire department’s number there — I can remember “911” even when I’m high.  Or does it mean call the fire department by dialing “911”?  Then why don’t you just say, “Dial 911”?  It must be a reminder for the stoners when they’re asked, “What kind of emergency is it?”  “Uh, is this the pizza place?  Damn, why did I call again…let’s see…pants, fire…holy shit my pants are on fire!  (As well as the shit in my pants.)”
5. “ZOMG, I’m in Hell and there’s goddamn fire everywhere!  Hurry the fuck up and go to Hell!!!”
6. DO NOT GO BACK INTO THE BUILDING FOR ANY REASON.  Now I understand the caps.  Words in caps are to be delivered with a swift, firm backhand with enough force to make the eyeball slightly pop out.  “CALM THE FUCK DOWN!”  *Slap*.  “STAY OUTSIDE!”  *Slap*.  Don’t go back in for any reason?  What if the fire department advises me to do so?
7. Either the person who wrote this sign was high as fuck, or the person who wrote this post was high as fuck.